Picking Up Women in Bars: The Complete Guide to Success in Your Local Watering Hole

1. Location, Location, Location! - The location of the bar you choose can mean everything. Go to a skanky bar, pick up a skanky chick. Go to a classy nightclub and, well, okay, you could still pick up a skanky chick, but the chances of picking one up at a classy club is a lot less likely. Case in point: Most of the women in clubs in Newport Beach, CA are going to dress nicer, be cuter, and likely live the lifestyle you probably want to live yourself, if you aren't already. Listen guy, if you want a 40 of malt liquor, go east of Crenshaw. Just don't expect a hot chick to pour it!

2. Make Friends with the Bartender or Cocktail Waitress - Okay, bartenders know everything - at least as far as their own bars go. They know the regular patrons and see all while they are bartending. They may appear busy and engrossed in drink orders, but they are also purveyors of the best and worst in human behavior. Make friends with the dude behind the bar and you'll instantly be privy to insider's tips. For instance, What does the girl at the end of the bar drink? Is she easy? Does she qualify for barfly status because she comes 5 nights a week, or is she just an occasional patron? What about the hottie flirting with every guy in the bar? Is she a tease or does she go horizontal with just about anything within 2 hours of choosing her prey? And if you get none of the answers you want, and none of the women you want, you can always hit on the cocktail waitress at last call.

3. Can the Canned Icebreakers - Women see that coming a mile away. Besides, pick up lines are sooooooo lame! Believe it or not, women rate honesty and humor a lot higher than a smooth talker; even if he's a good smooth talker. There's just something not to trust about a guy who comes with a speech prepared. Be original!

If the only thing you can do is react to a comment or conversation in a humorous way, then do it. Women sense when when you're being ingenuous or unnatural. If you can't think of a quick response to a conversation or comment, then ask her opinion of some lame looking guy across the room. Say, "I was wondering...do women find greasy eurotrash attractive, or is it just that eurotrash is on special tonight?" Or you could say, "Has the cast of Queer as Folk just arrived, or did I walk into a Pastel Cowboy Night at the OK Corral?" Of course, the comment should also be targeting your competition, so that it makes it impossible for the woman in question to admit she likes the guy across the room. Don't make it too mean though. Women don't like mean, and let's face it, you may be the only one looking like a vicious queen if your comment turn too bitter.

4. Small Talk is for SMALL MEN - Remember the phrase, "Nice guys finish last"? Well, small talk is for last place finishers. Be bold! Talk about something off the wall, controversial or odd, and she's bound to notice you over some other schlump who wants to discuss the weather or her favorite color. Say, "I wonder how many words rhyme with jackass driving a Mercedes? Sorry...err...just thinking out loud. Carry on." You're bound to get a laugh out of that.

5. Order a Good Stiff One - A Drink that is! - You're gonna need it! A good lube job in the beginning of the evening is going to give you the courage and humor to say what you need to say to get her attention and keep her rapt. The mistake of it can be when you actually have one too many and then breathe fire down her cleavage and make nasty comments about her anatomy. Go just to the brink of "Dutch courage" and then start slowing it waaayyy down. You don't want your series of stiff ones, to eclipse the real thing!

6. Act Interested, but not TOO interested - Women love this. And both men and women would agree that a too eager suitor just feels "stalky". Don't get all smarmy on her ass in the beginning. Giving her the "I'll be devoted to you forever" look isn't going to make her want to go home with you, it's going to make her want to run!

7. Dirty Dancing? Not Just for Patrick Swayze - Okay, you don't have to be king of the dance floor to accomplish what you set out to do... Just remember that dirty dancing is definitely out the window if you don't dance fairly well. If rhythm is a mystery to you, then dirty dancing is going to look profane rather than . Then again, you don't have to be good enough to be in a P. Diddy reality series to get the job done. Don't get frantic and try to pin her with your growing baby boy, lest you frighten her away. Just let her know you care with a split second of rock hard...err...muscle. (WARNING: Not for guys who are 5'5" and 225 - it just won't look fluid, sorry! Move on to the next tip!)

8. A Quieter Venue - Once you have her a little interested and a lot warmed up (with a Cosmo and your suggestive moves) and you're reading her right (key here), suggest a quieter locale...perhaps your apartment? Just don't recite the smarmy "That dress looks good on you...but it would look better on my bedroom floor" deal. It might convince her that you're bush league and that's the rep you're trying to leave behind, bro!

9. Home on the Range - The odds may be against you that you'll get her home without a first date, but if you do, just make sure not to flip on the tube to your favorite "Beverly Hillbillies" reruns. Just go for the gusto. If she persists in trying to appear like God's gift to chastity, and asks you if you're "one of those players?" Just say "Speaking of playing... why not let me hum my favorite song on your favorite body part!"

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