29 Laws of The Locker Room
There is fantasy and there is reality. Sometimes, of course, there are stark realities. Stark, in-your-face, stuff you don’t want to know about realities.
Welcome to the locker room.
There are many things one sees in the locker room that one would prefer not to see. That’s when you, or at least I, find the world of fantasy so inviting. I go to my “Happy Place” and I am safe.
Say you just finished a good workout - you preacher curled sixty pounds at 468 reps, did 9,000 chin-ups and on the decline bench pressed that bald guy who’s the size of a Volkswagen. All-in-all, not such a bad day.
But then you enter the locker room. And you know that the world through that swinging door is a different place. So for you, for your sanity and mine, please follow these few simple laws for locker room etiquette.
1.Don’t stare. At anything. Ever.
2.Don’t go wavin’ that thing around. Sure, congrats, you’ve got a big winky. But I don’t wanna see it, I don’t wanna see you playing with it, and for the luvva’ Pete, do not snap it at people like a towel!
3.When on the toilet, with the stall door closed, try to remember you’re not at home! You do not need to moan every single time you, er, unload a little more of that burden.
4.If, after the shower, you’re going to dry the ol’ pickle-an’-tomatuhs with the hand dryer, don’t tell me, “It’s okay if you need to dry your hands” at the same time.
5.Please do not clean your butt with the gym towels (or at least don’t let me see you).
6.Please do not leave the plain white unmarked gym towel you just secretly wiped your butt with next to my plain white unmarked gym towel I’m about to dry my face with. Seriously, dude, it ain’t cool.
7.Something every person should know: there is nothing you can do with tweezers that is acceptable in a public place.
8.Remember the stuff above about your tomatuhs? Very Important Note: Do not wash your tomatuhs in the sink.
9.Remember the stuff above about the sink? More important note: Do not, under any circumstances, wash your friend’s tomatuhs in the sink.
10.Seriously: no spanking. It’s not funny.
11.Wednesday is not ladies night.
12.Dropping the soap is okay, picking it up is okay - throwing it is just plain rude.
13.When disposing of your drained bottle of Gatorade®, might I suggest not freakin’ leaving it on the bench, the top of the friggin’ lockers, or the #@!$! floor - I mean, geez, is it so damned tough to toss it out in the garbage can right in the corner?! Or the one by the wall?! What’s your freakin’ problem anyway?!
14.Seriously, I’m still pissed about the Gatorade. What’s with that?! Cut it out!
15.Remember to include an area code for all phone numbers etched inside a bathroom stall.
16.Apparently, under no circumstances should you ever think it is okay to sing “I Feel Pretty” to yourself in the mirror.
17.Let’s get this one straight, folks: it is okay to pee in your shower drain; it is not okay to pee in the shower drain next to yours.
18.Peek at your friend’s lock combination. Switch the lock out for another when he’s not lookin’. Then, later, just as he gets into the locker room, call his cell phone. Sit back and enjoy the manic scene which follows. (Okay, this isn’t a law of locker room etiquette, but, really, it’s worth putting here. [By the way, this trick is even funnier when it coincides with his wife’s 8th or 9th month of pregnancy.])
19.No shaving below the belt.
20.No matter how much you dislike splashback at the urinal, there’s no reason to stand three feet away.
21.We do not talk about Fight Club!
22.Do not look at the guy with the big winky and go “Niiice!” and give a thumbs up.
23.Which reminds me: Don’t ask, Don’t tell.
24.If you have something that is red, hurts, and is swollen, no, no one who wants to look at it.
25.Remember, this is a locker room, if you want to talk about Michael Chabon or, heaven forbid, Mary Higgins Clark, you take it outside.
26.There is never a reason to stand on the sink and perform a pickle and tomatuhs puppet dance singing “Three Little Maids From School Are We.” Even if you say “My wife is into this sort of thing, and I’m practicing,” or if you start blinking your eyes wildly and declare “Where am I?” None of this is a good excuse. Apparently.
27.DO NOT PEE ON THE SEAT!
28.When spraying your deodorant, always check the rear and side view mirrors.
And Lastly...
29.If you ask to “borrow” something, the lender’s assumption is always this: the item you borrow will not, not, not come within a two foot radius of anything one might refer to as their “privates.”
About the Author: Dane Fletcher is the world's foremost training authority. He writes exclusively for GetAnabolics.com, a leading online provider of Bodybuilding Supplements. For more information, please visit http://www.GetAnabolics.com
Welcome to the locker room.
There are many things one sees in the locker room that one would prefer not to see. That’s when you, or at least I, find the world of fantasy so inviting. I go to my “Happy Place” and I am safe.
Say you just finished a good workout - you preacher curled sixty pounds at 468 reps, did 9,000 chin-ups and on the decline bench pressed that bald guy who’s the size of a Volkswagen. All-in-all, not such a bad day.
But then you enter the locker room. And you know that the world through that swinging door is a different place. So for you, for your sanity and mine, please follow these few simple laws for locker room etiquette.
1.Don’t stare. At anything. Ever.
2.Don’t go wavin’ that thing around. Sure, congrats, you’ve got a big winky. But I don’t wanna see it, I don’t wanna see you playing with it, and for the luvva’ Pete, do not snap it at people like a towel!
3.When on the toilet, with the stall door closed, try to remember you’re not at home! You do not need to moan every single time you, er, unload a little more of that burden.
4.If, after the shower, you’re going to dry the ol’ pickle-an’-tomatuhs with the hand dryer, don’t tell me, “It’s okay if you need to dry your hands” at the same time.
5.Please do not clean your butt with the gym towels (or at least don’t let me see you).
6.Please do not leave the plain white unmarked gym towel you just secretly wiped your butt with next to my plain white unmarked gym towel I’m about to dry my face with. Seriously, dude, it ain’t cool.
7.Something every person should know: there is nothing you can do with tweezers that is acceptable in a public place.
8.Remember the stuff above about your tomatuhs? Very Important Note: Do not wash your tomatuhs in the sink.
9.Remember the stuff above about the sink? More important note: Do not, under any circumstances, wash your friend’s tomatuhs in the sink.
10.Seriously: no spanking. It’s not funny.
11.Wednesday is not ladies night.
12.Dropping the soap is okay, picking it up is okay - throwing it is just plain rude.
13.When disposing of your drained bottle of Gatorade®, might I suggest not freakin’ leaving it on the bench, the top of the friggin’ lockers, or the #@!$! floor - I mean, geez, is it so damned tough to toss it out in the garbage can right in the corner?! Or the one by the wall?! What’s your freakin’ problem anyway?!
14.Seriously, I’m still pissed about the Gatorade. What’s with that?! Cut it out!
15.Remember to include an area code for all phone numbers etched inside a bathroom stall.
16.Apparently, under no circumstances should you ever think it is okay to sing “I Feel Pretty” to yourself in the mirror.
17.Let’s get this one straight, folks: it is okay to pee in your shower drain; it is not okay to pee in the shower drain next to yours.
18.Peek at your friend’s lock combination. Switch the lock out for another when he’s not lookin’. Then, later, just as he gets into the locker room, call his cell phone. Sit back and enjoy the manic scene which follows. (Okay, this isn’t a law of locker room etiquette, but, really, it’s worth putting here. [By the way, this trick is even funnier when it coincides with his wife’s 8th or 9th month of pregnancy.])
19.No shaving below the belt.
20.No matter how much you dislike splashback at the urinal, there’s no reason to stand three feet away.
21.We do not talk about Fight Club!
22.Do not look at the guy with the big winky and go “Niiice!” and give a thumbs up.
23.Which reminds me: Don’t ask, Don’t tell.
24.If you have something that is red, hurts, and is swollen, no, no one who wants to look at it.
25.Remember, this is a locker room, if you want to talk about Michael Chabon or, heaven forbid, Mary Higgins Clark, you take it outside.
26.There is never a reason to stand on the sink and perform a pickle and tomatuhs puppet dance singing “Three Little Maids From School Are We.” Even if you say “My wife is into this sort of thing, and I’m practicing,” or if you start blinking your eyes wildly and declare “Where am I?” None of this is a good excuse. Apparently.
27.DO NOT PEE ON THE SEAT!
28.When spraying your deodorant, always check the rear and side view mirrors.
And Lastly...
29.If you ask to “borrow” something, the lender’s assumption is always this: the item you borrow will not, not, not come within a two foot radius of anything one might refer to as their “privates.”
About the Author: Dane Fletcher is the world's foremost training authority. He writes exclusively for GetAnabolics.com, a leading online provider of Bodybuilding Supplements. For more information, please visit http://www.GetAnabolics.com
posted by GetAnabolics.com at
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